the process has been on-going since mid-feb 2011. Something that I am completely excited about, but.... at the same time... terrified of. Its exciting to know that when God gives you a gift, he doesn't take it away. Your charged with a responsibility to use that gift but given the free will to NOT use it if you so desire, leaving you with the knowledge of being held accountable for the way you used the gift given.... (Deep Breath)..... since February I have had a lot of time to think and "evaluate" the path I am choosing for my life. I've thought of how it could be helpful, how it could be damaging and how it could stay the same.
This is also terrifying because I have been down this road before. Being in a spiritual leadership role has been both a blessing and a curse. It has helped me grow but it has also hindered me from things. It helped me grow in areas like Faith, Leadership, Personal Relationships with not only God but with friends and fellow leaders. But it has also been a curse in the areas of "religion" giving me a false perception of reality. I lived in a bubble, thinking that being in spiritual leadership, I was in a different realm than anyone that is not in that role. Looking back now has caused me to HATE who I had become.... I did everything right... the services, the prayers, the meetings... but I wasn't tangible to people.
I want to be tangible! I want to be someone who is connected with people like ME! REAL PEOPLE! Through the past 3, almost 4 years I have been stripped of nearly everything... I have grasped at masks and facades trying to cover up my transparency. When in reality, that was all that God had wanted... the raw and exposed, real me.
My prayer and my desire is to hold on to the truths that I have learned over these past 3 horrible years... knowing that God doesn't just love me because I choose to be a good person, God doesn't just love me because I do the "right" things... God loves me for ME! who I am and who I am not. He just loves me because he wants to, not because he has to... Being a father of two I can completely grasp this idea. There is nothing that my kids can do to to me, to their selves or to anyone else that will cause me to not love them. They can emancipate their selves from me... spit in my face... even Kill me... But that will NEVER change the fact that I am their Father, that they are on this earth as a result of ME...(and their mother of course).
No comments:
Post a Comment