....and again....and again....and ag......

Sometimes it seems like its never going to stop! I feel like my life is a continual punching bag for the enemy to practice his jabs and his 1 - 2 punch for the big fight. The punching bag always gets pounded but never gets to fight back. Sometimes I just want to stand up and shout ENOUGH! and everything stop!

And then it gets annoying because I know what the bible says about going through persecution for the sake of the Lord, but.... what is the deciding factor of it being as a result of being for Christ or just because we got dealt a crappy hand?

Lets look at the positive side...

2 Corinthians 4:7-12 (Message)
If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best!

(NIV)
7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

A lot of things have happened in my life, but how do I know if they are as a direct result of following Jesus? I mean.... You can tell in Paul's hardships...

2 Corinthians 11:22-29 (NIV)
22 Are they Hebrews? So am I. Are they Israelites? So am I. Are they Abraham’s descendants? So am I. 23 Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. 24 Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, 26 I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. 27 I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. 28 Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. 29 Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?

When I read this I have to look at my life and tell myself to suck it up and get over it.... it could be worse.

Please hear me, this is spoken to me and for me, if you feel like applying it to your life then so be it but I too often feel, (whoa-ees me). There are a lot of things that are worse that could happen but I am fortunate that they don't. I also don't want to down play the severity of the situations, current and past, in my life. I believe that they are character building regardless if they may or may not have been as a direct result of my relationship with Christ.

I am a firm believer that it is not what happens but how you handle what happens. I am a proactive thinker and I try to prepare myself for any and every situation through a mindset of prayer and humility before God...

My prayer is...
God please help me to trust you and respond to any given situation with the wisdom and understanding of Christ. Please let the Holy Spirit (the councilor) give me knowledge to deal with whatever situation comes and help me to use it to make my life and the life of the people around me better.

In a recent conversation with a friend about my frustrations regarding different situations in our lives, this dialog happened,

ME : "It's just so weird to me how all this shit happens tho bro. I mean, will it ever stop? Will we as men of God ever be able to stand with out being pounded? I say that because the Pediatrician just diagnosed Elijah today with Lyme's.... I'm getting tired of my family, friends and my self getting crapped on! IT"S NOT RIGHT"

HIM : "I am starting to believe that all of life is an uphill climb, birth to death. The horrible thing about divorce is that it destroys what should be our shield and source of strength through trials. With what happened with Elijah, he should have two parents that could cling to each other and to God and support him and show him how the tough times are lived out. The reason my mom's cancer, when I was young, was the best thing that ever happened to our family is because it drove us together and strengthened us. We can now weather the storms of life with an attitude of "is that all you got devil?" Divorce destroys the most powerful thing in your life, your home and family. That's why God HATES it. The family was designed to be our safe place and source of faith and strength..."

He is so right, Families are such a KEY structure in strength, faith and endurance. I guess anything can be looked at as an attack from the enemy because he is not satisfied unless we are miserable and blaming someone else or God himself.... I WILL NOT LET HIM WIN.(Hebrews 12:1-3) I will continue the race placed before me, and I will run it with everything I have because I want to cross that finish line and look at my friend, my father, my lover, my savior, my daddy, my GOD in the eye and I want him to look at me and say... "Well done, I am proud of you"
(1 Cor. 9:24-25)


That's all I want....

stuff's gettin scary

the process has been on-going since mid-feb 2011. Something that I am completely excited about, but.... at the same time... terrified of. Its exciting to know that when God gives you a gift, he doesn't take it away. Your charged with a responsibility to use that gift but given the free will to NOT use it if you so desire, leaving you with the knowledge of being held accountable for the way you used the gift given.... (Deep Breath)..... since February I have had a lot of time to think and "evaluate" the path I am choosing for my life. I've thought of how it could be helpful, how it could be damaging and how it could stay the same.

This is also terrifying because I have been down this road before. Being in a spiritual leadership role has been both a blessing and a curse. It has helped me grow but it has also hindered me from things. It helped me grow in areas like Faith, Leadership, Personal Relationships with not only God but with friends and fellow leaders. But it has also been a curse in the areas of "religion" giving me a false perception of reality. I lived in a bubble, thinking that being in spiritual leadership, I was in a different realm than anyone that is not in that role. Looking back now has caused me to HATE who I had become.... I did everything right... the services, the prayers, the meetings... but I wasn't tangible to people.

I want to be tangible! I want to be someone who is connected with people like ME! REAL PEOPLE! Through the past 3, almost 4 years I have been stripped of nearly everything... I have grasped at masks and facades trying to cover up my transparency. When in reality, that was all that God had wanted... the raw and exposed, real me.

My prayer and my desire is to hold on to the truths that I have learned over these past 3 horrible years... knowing that God doesn't just love me because I choose to be a good person, God doesn't just love me because I do the "right" things... God loves me for ME! who I am and who I am not. He just loves me because he wants to, not because he has to... Being a father of two I can completely grasp this idea. There is nothing that my kids can do to to me, to their selves or to anyone else that will cause me to not love them. They can emancipate their selves from me... spit in my face... even Kill me... But that will NEVER change the fact that I am their Father, that they are on this earth as a result of ME...(and their mother of course).